Ineffable Ontological Detanglement .: Introspective Assistance & Mental Analysis Manual
The perma-smirk is what happens to you when you're making the constant trip from self loathing to self love. Those of us with a baseline self love do not develop the perma-smirk, because nothing about this feeling is overly exciting it's just comfortable. They often develop philosophies relating to the glory of their own perma-smirk, you can all clearly see I'm very self confident I'm just swimming in self confidence, I'm so much better than all of you it's just my sly slick comfortable baseline.
I used to kind of like Bill Maher, even after discovering the nature of the perma-smirk. I thought, well, this asshole is on the right team, he's pretty funny. I don't mind if some of the soldiers for enlightenment are suck people I can still find ways to enjoy them, respect aspects of them. After he destroyed himself I looked at what he had become in the past few years that I had not been watching, and, ah, whatever okay destroy yourself. Meet what you desire upon Trump and destroy yourself, so sayeth God. Turns out Aria Wellington was always right about Maher. I mean it's not like I ever once thought she was wrong, I just thought I don't really care about these things. I still don't really care about these things, but, yeah okay fine Aria Wellington can eat your suffering she's in the right.
Now, the agoraphobic moment in university that I mentioned. I would often still eat in the cafeteria alone. I would think "Aw come on look me be my friend. Ah well I don't think I like any of you anyway." However it was mostly just the refusal to be the person who cannot ever eat in public without broadcasting to every single person in the restaurant that I am here with friends I'm not a weird goober or worried I'm a weird goober eighteen year old, no I am not. If I scamper back to my room with my meal as it gets cold everyone knows that I am the kind of person who would be an I'm not a weird goober I have friends who eat with me but I simply am unable to pull it off.
I would always see another guy doing the same thing, he looked pretty high autism nerd. He was doing the same looking down eating reading whatever, however he did not have the problem of this fucking guy for some reason... The one single person in the cafeteria who shined like a beacon. Every day he saw me, he would select a position at his table that stares directly at me. It was one of the most intense empath moments of my life, I can feel him, I can magical empath feel him attempting to draw me away from my looking at the meal and look at him and cry. I would corner of my eye at it sometimes, it always ruined my meal, now what am I going to do? Flee to my room to eat because of this fucking guy? That would be a declaration of his victory. Every time I corner of the eye glanced in his direction, he's doing nothing but speaking to his friends as he smirks and glares at me and points. He appears to be in his own little world, he appears to be causing everyone at his table to look down as dark and depressed and isolated as I am.
Walking his tray to the cart, his head magnet held on me, turning his head so he can always see me the entire time. Often taking a pause before he left hoping to draw me into him, draw me right to his smirk. "Look at my smirk. Feel it. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me. Look at me." Apparently he was always frozen in the highest of perma smirk at all times, his mouth barely moved beyond the rigid perma smirk. Apparently he would talk about me at parties for up to three hours straight. It was 40% of his conversation. No, I am giving you technical data not humorous exaggeration. Everybody would leave him the fuck alone.
I had a moment of recognition with some of his best friends, people who loved the bajeezus out of him make him such a very popular person. We finally had the moment where he was standing perfectly still for minutes, frozen in space and time, staring right into me, the purest of evil, I didn't really see it but it felt like his teeth were in a death grip and his head was vibrating. He's touching everything he is imagining about me with his penis and calling me disgusting pretending I am crying and violated as he drank my tears and masturbated in my ear whispering "Your weirdness my purity your weirdness my purity." I had to initiate the subtle eye contact moment of out of this world confusion at the people who form his popularity, which was most certainly returned.
Eventually I happened to mention this guy in my ongoing writings of which several hundred Winnipegers were aware and from one of the very cool very generous stoner looking types who did sit with me once or three times who I was not in contact with but he happened to come onto my writings. "Oh, that guy. Yeah everyone knows that guy. Okay he needs to read this." I heard about it through other channels, but apparently that guy was the source of this information getting to him and us getting a lot of information relating to his activities. Apparently he entered the depressive nothing stage of his life. I don't know what happened after that, everyone seems to have lost contact with him. I think Aria Wellington knows but I'unnow she has a lot going on.
I am forced to get a lot of "Destroy yourself upon Kit Carruthers." It's fucking annoying.
We did manage to get the running list of what was happening in his head, apparently, somebody was able to extract all of it:
Conscious level: I am at university parties. I bet you want university parties. I have friends. You do not have friends. I bet you have never once in your life had a single friend. I bet it's because you're weird. I bet you're a lot weirder than I was. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am. I no longer am.
Semi-conscious level: You are the person who declares my entire life, you are the person who solves everything for me. You are the person who makes me everything I was always meant to be. (I have friends) Now. (I bet it was a lot weirder than I was. I no longer am.) I'm still almost weird but not nearly as weird as you you disgusting masturbating childhood related I might be weird insecurities childhood related I might be weird insecurities childhood related I might be weird insecurities. My grandparents never raped me. They never did. My grandparents never ever raped me.
Oh, is that what I wanted to be when I thought I could sell out my thinking for my skills and attain popularity in university? No, I'm glad I went agoraphobic instead.